Come Close

I think this is one of my favorite songs from the great Hip Hop artist Common.  He is not afraid to show his love for the woman in his life.  More people need to be more vulnerable and open about their love for someone before it is too late.

2011: Great Expectations!

I am expecting better and greater this year! Here is a list of my expectations:

• Move to North Carolina (for real this time)
• Stay spiritual not religious
• Kick men to the side who don't see my worth and just want to linger on in my life (aka be my friend with too many damn benefits like they my man)
• Get my dream apartment
• Be open to real love
• Go on a roadtrip with Trici and then one by myself again. The road trip by myself was so fun in 2009
• Start my Masters in the Fall of 2011
• Be the best aunt and godmother
• Be a better friend
• Remain celibate 
• Volunteer
• Start working a career not a job
• Continue my time of reflection
• Go to Miami for my birthday, Virginia  to visit Krystle before I move to North Carolina, Atlanta to visit Sche, NYC to visit my college buddies and my best friend T, go to D.C. just because I like the culture  and the men
• Do something in music because I love it so much
• Continue blogging
• Stay off facebook a lot more, lol

Encourage Yourself

         I have learned over the years that I have to be my biggest fan and cheerleader because life is tough at times. Therefore, it is a constant mental battle between positive and negative thoughts. But I refused to give in to those negative thoughts anymore. I was depressed for about two years, after a tragic event I went into a deeper depression that occurred to me in 2006 (will share in another blog). This depression was deep it got to the point where all I did was eat, work and sleep. If I did talk to people I was very rude and harsh. Oftentimes I could muscle up some kind of laughter or I was just was a damn good actress to my friends and family. Anyway, I made irrational decisions in 2005 to 2007. My relationship with men was cold and heartless because I was dead on the inside. I lost all sense of spirituality, I tried sometimes but most of the time I didn't care. As a result, I was thinking of converting to a different religion but the religion I was thinking of didn't sit well with my feminist views.
      My breaking point was when I was in the car with my mentor Ms. Karen coming back from my college friend's wedding. Ms. Karen was playing, Reposition Yourself  by Bishop T.D. Jakes it was a book on tape and the words that he was speaking spoke to my broken spirit. He spoke about having an intervention with yourself, speaking to those things that are inside of you that are laying dormant. My negativity led to me give up on dreaming and planning for my future. This was so out of my character that I was almost unrecognizable. Therefore, I needed this intervention with myself so I could wake the hell up and realize that life is passing me by. After hearing just the first chapter of the book I knew I had to purchase this book as soon as I got home from New York City. Jakes wrote, "We want to live to the fullest, spiritually, financially, and even relationally. Yet we often settle for less than the best life we could live. Lulled into sleep by a sense of apathetic compliance, we accept as limitations situations that could be transcended". I know if I could get out of the darkest moment in my life then there is hope for people with depression. Even though this book spoke volumes into my life it was just a seed.
       God was not finished with my broken spirit because for years I just wanted to escape life. I did not want to be here. Oftentimes, people have zero tolerance or no sympathy for people with suicidal thoughts but my heart goes out to them because I have walked and lived that battle. In November 2007 I made a unwise decision which resulted in me being hospitalized for about three days. After this final attempt on my life I woke the hell up. I realized that obviously God has me on this earth for a reason because I was still here. After that, prayer became something so different for me, it became my lifeline to God. I became so dependent on God through prayer and the Bible it became so real to me. Even though it took all this drama to get to this point I wouldn't trade it for the world. I began to read The Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyers which helped me realized that I needed to start thinking in a positive manner. She made me realize if a negative thought enters my mind that I should combat it with a positive thought. It might sound simple but for years I would just let those negative thoughts consume my mind and my actions.
      Lastly, I had to realize that encouraging yourself works. When things seem to get out of control and rough, speak life into your situation. Know that it will work out and the craziness is just distractions from your goal and destiny. I am blessed to say that I know who I am and who I belong to. Therefore, I know I am more than a conquer through Christ Jesus and I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me. I love that people notice that I am full of life and happy now. It took some time but I strive to have true joy, peace and love in any situation. I also challenge you to find joy in the little things in life. If it is just eating your favorite popcorn or taking a walk in the park. Trust me it adds up! Also, take time out to figure out those things that can be improved or worked on in your life. Spending quality time with my thoughts, my emotions and my spirit is oftentimes the highlight of my day. Now I know if there is a lot of craziness going on in my life that I am on the right track. I refuse to give up on my destiny in life. This was very hard for me to share but I hope that I can reach someone with my story.  I included a video of Donald Lawrence and Tri City Singers singing "Encourage Yourself", it is a gospel song.

My Beautiful Flower

     Today I feel inspired to write a symbolic piece about love, dreams, goals and my aspirations of keeping things in my life private.  Yesterday on Facebook I was inspired to write about killing my beautiful flower that has grown from an encounter with this beautiful person in my life. I wrote on my status: My soil was fertile then you came and planted a seed. Out of that seed came a beautiful flower, now you want to go back to the beginning to lay a foundation because you weren't ready for a harvest.  But it is too late something has grown.  How can I kill this beautiful flower of mine? I wanted to write a piece that explained my intentions on writing that kind of status.
        




          I have a beautiful garden that holds my dreams, goals, thoughts and hopes of love.  This garden was closed for many years because I lost hope of anything growing there.  Now it is has many beautiful flowers that have grown from many hours of labor.  I have taken the time out to build a fence around this garden and I even have a guard dog that lays at the door because I don't want all that is sacred and lovely to be harmed.  Some of these flowers I only give to certain people, I make sure these people are appreciative that I gave them something so precious to have.  I also work with a master gardener who has been doing this for years that guides me and has executive control over anything that he sees fit to be removed or planted in this garden.  Unfortunately, he was given limited access years ago. But I realized a few years ago that he is vital to the growth of my garden. Therefore, I will never do that to him again, he is all knowing and he has the final word.
     Now I have came to the point where I have to uproot one of my finest flowers because I let someone plant a seed in the love section of my garden.  This person I have known for a very long time but I didn't really know him.  We had conversations years ago that were great but I didn't know him as well as I should.  He was one of those men that I just had a "thing" for I was just taken by his looks.  Then as I talked to him before letting him into my garden I became smitten with his conversations.  I never thought that I would find such an intellectual and spiritual person like him.   So I told my guard dog to move and I opened the door to my garden.  I didn't think he realized nor did I what would become of this interaction.  My fertile soil was ready for his seed to be planted.  I worked long hours uprooting those weeds of doubt, rocks of distractions and flower roots of old.  Therefore, I thought I was ready for such a worthy candidate to plant his seed in my fertile soil.   I didn't consult the master gardener about this planter but I will next time.  Anyway I learned that this planter didn't want to plant a seed he just wanted to make sure the area was clear for him to one day plant something.  But he didn't realize that his actions and conversations were planting a seed.  Now I didn't know within a months time that this beautiful, strong flower would grow.   I told the planter about this and that's when I got the news that this wasn't his intentions he just wanted to make sure he laid a good foundation for future planting.  So my question is how do I kill this beautiful flower of mine?  This person has stopped coming by my garden so conversations are few and far between.  So I scared off another planter because my soil was so fertile.  I have learned from this to ask someone their intentions and if they don't know then I will tell them to leave my garden area.  It is important to have a planter that has a plan of action and that can voice that plan before entrance is allowed.  Even then I still have to have faith and trust in that person that they are being honest and true to me and themselves.   I have not given up on this section of my garden called love.  However, I will admit I was sadden by the outcome but my master gardener has been working on my joy flower and it is strong as an oak tree.  So I thank the planter for his time and will be officially killing this beautiful flower of mine.  


    I hope that this blog was understandable in it's delivery and approach.  Life is full of lessons and I am just grateful that out of this situation I did not become bitter.  God has brought me a long way and I still have room to grow.  

Paying Homage to Love

     I am blessed to have experienced love from the opposite sex.  It has been interesting that I have experienced different types and levels of love.  I have experienced a first love, futuristic love, true love, crazy love and waiting to experience unconditional love.  So I want to share some of my stories of these different ways that people have loved me and the one way that I am patiently waiting for. Lastly, I want to give you my definition and some of my understanding of being in love with someone.
     My first love was a beautiful person he had a dark chocolate skin complexion, full lips,and a beautiful smile that lit up my world.  I am speaking in past tense because he was killed in 2005 so now all I have are the memories that he and I shared.  Anyway,  I met this young man in the 5th grade I was new to the school and I didn't really notice him at first.  I was interested in this other kid but when 6th grade hit it was chocolate time, haha.  He and I were in band together he played the trumpet and I played the trombone.  I just loved that he would try to impress me so much.  One day we had to take the late bus home because we had band practice and it was just him and I on the bus.  I laugh at this now but I was a bold little girl, if I wanted something I went for it.  So I decided let's play truth or dare.  We were both acting shy and doing just truth questions then I kicked it up a notch and starting saying dare. So I dared him to kiss me, the look on his face was priceless. He climbed in my seat and we kissed and it seemed like an eternity.  It was perfect and this was my first real kiss.  I felt dizzy after because there was so much passion there, I couldn't believe it my crush actually had feelings for me too. So the next day on the playground my two friends decided to "hook" us up.  But I was so nervous and he was too, so he was taking too long to ask me out so I just took the opportunity and asked him to be my boyfriend, of course he said yes.  Then we kissed and every day after that we kissed.  I knew I loved him because he was he was so beautiful to me in every way.  I know people might be skeptical on loving someone so young but it was real.  Even up until the time he died he would always tell me that I was his first love and that I needed to stop talking to these other guys.  I knew he was joking about the latter part but he was so right about our love.
     My futuristic love was a guy that I met at my best friend's house the summer before my sophomore year in high school.  I thought he was so fly, charming and funny.   He resembled Allen Iverson to me, Iverson to me was the best looking man in the NBA so I felt like I hit the jackpot.  My best friend did the match making for us.  He went to East High School and so did my best friend.  He was my futuristic love because we talked about our future together which was a first for me.  We talked about our children's names, our wedding, and our house.  I never had this before, he was interested in marrying me one day.  However, he was a senior when I was a sophomore so these weddings plans would have to wait awhile.  Also, I was not allowed to date at all and our relationship was a secret from my parents.  So I knew this whole thing would be hard to pull off especially  since we went to two different high schools and he had different options of women at his school.  I went to Wheatland-Chili and trust me I was not distracted by boys.  My one distraction who was my first love who left me and went to Edison Tech.  Unfortunately, he grew tired of  our random phone conversations.  I could only call him at my grandmother's house, at home I was not allowed to talk to boys.  We stopped talking for months and I basically emancipated myself from the relationship.  I did randomly call him one time in May and he was getting ready to go to this girl's prom.  That phone conversation crushed my spirit, that was confirmation that we were over.  This was my first heartbreak, I was devastated that my dreams would not be fulfilled with this man.  Unfortunately, I disliked him for years after that so it took me awhile to get over him.  The crazy thing is he did get married right out of high school, it didn't last but he wanted a future with someone so badly that he settled.
      My true love was a man that I knew most of my life. We grew up together his mother and my mother were good friends we would have sleepovers and we would get together all the time.  He also had a sister who was my number one buddy.  I always thought he was the cutest boy in the world, he had these deep dimples that made me melt. Our parents would joke that one day we would get married.  It's crazy I never thought he and I would ever date but we did.  It was my freshman year in college I would call to talk to his sister but he would pick up the phone and we would talk for hours. We had such a good vibe, it was natural and I was not afraid to be myself around him.  He loved that I liked to eat and  that I was not ashamed of that.  A few months before this he was shot and people attempted to rob him.  He was a walking and talking miracle, even after this he was so full of life and would even joke about his wounds.  I couldn't help but be intrigued by him, here is someone that met death in the face and still is positive so I was inspired by him. Anyway, our romance began and he came to visit me at college. That night he sang to me Floetry's song "Say Yes" and I never heard the song before so I asked,  "Say yes to what?"  He replied, "Say yes to me".  I can't describe the feelings that I felt, I never had a man sing to me and his voice is beautiful.   I wanted him to be my last boyfriend ever.  He was my true love because he knew all of me and accepted me.  Also, I accepted all of him, flaws and all.  Unfortunately, we did come to end without closure either, but I still appreciate what he and I had.
     I experienced different types of crazy love, this is the kind of love that I don't ever want again.  However, I will only write about one example of crazy love. My ex boyfriend and I met at a previous place of employment.  I thought he was handsome but I could tell by his lips that he smoked a lot of marijuana.  He approached me and I was surprised I didn't think I would be his type.  We had a good vibe, very strong connection.    He was the first man to ever cook for me and bring it to bed so that I could enjoy it. The reason I call this crazy love is because he would verbally abuse me everyday.  He would call me a dumbass over the craziest thing.  For instance, I approached a light and it was turning red so I stopped he was so upset that he went off.  He said, "You are such a dumbass why didn't you go through the light. Come on you are such an idiot".   I am a person that doesn't take verbal attacks well, especially not from a man.  As you know he was  expeditiously dropped off at home.  As a result, I knew that changes had to be made, he would apologize but do it again. I realized if you really are apologetic then don't use such abusive language towards me. I knew I was settling when I met him but I wanted to give him a chance so I could prove myself wrong. He smoked everyday and I hated smokers. Also, he was drinking forty ounces everyday like it was still the early 90's, he didn't have a car, he wouldn't pay for our meals, movie tickets, or gas. I could go on and on about what he didn't do but I thought I could change him. Again I was naive and new at this dating thing. Unfortunately, this was all a learning experience due to dating being forbidden when I was younger.  He wasn't in love with me he was in love with controlling me and in love with what I could do for him. The break up with him wasn't easy because I was called a bitch and a whore for breaking up with him.  After this I definitely needed a break and time to heal from all that constant abuse.  So if you ever encounter crazy love, run as fast as you can.  It is not worth any of your time. 
       I feel that love is a mystery to the human mind, it takes over sometimes without warning especially when it is someone that is undeserving of that love. Personally I feel love is an action word. A man can tell me all day that they love me but if his actions are speaking otherwise then he is a liar in my eyes.  The definition of unconditional love is to love someone regardless of their actions or qualities.  Wow that is profound!  I truly think most people will only experience unconditional love with their parents.  I know my mother has loved me regardless of my actions and qualities because most of the time I don't bring anything to the table. It is unfortunate to know that most relationships are conditional.  For instance, if you do this for me then I will do that for you, some people always want something in return.  If it is not in your heart to do it then don't do it. When you give you shouldn't expect anything in return.  Side note:  unless a contract was signed.   However, I have been blessed to experience this love with my friends.  They were there for me at my lowest of lows, instead of ignoring my calls when I had by sad stories they listened and encouraged me.  I know it's hard being a friend to a negative person but if they want to change then keep encouraging them.  Also, I do believe some couples have experienced this kind of love.  I know this is the kind of love that I want to experience, unconditional, loving me regardless of my actions or qualities.  So I will conclude, what kind of love do you desire?

My People

     It was so refreshing seeing "Black Girls Rock" on BET, finally an award show where I can be proud of the artists performing and the honorees who are receiving the awards.  Jill Scott started the show off with singing "Golden", this is my theme song.  It was a great celebration of black women's beauty, intelligence, strength, courage and achievements.  The best performance of the night was by Ledisi, Jill Scott. Marsha Ambrosius, and Kelly Price who performed "Four Women" by Nina Simone.  It was such a powerful rendition of the song.  I loved that these women are true artists and have real talent who were showcased in this once in a lifetime collaboration. 
      Watching the award show I felt like I was a student of history because there were women who received awards that I did not know.  Teresa Clarke is the CEO of Africa.com, she has her J.D., M.B.A, and B.A. all from Harvard.  I loved that she is trying to change the way that Africa is viewed. Unfortunately, people think Africa is a place where all the kids are walking around starving with flies in their faces.  I have heard many stories of the beauties of Africa and by educating myself I know that there is more to Africa then what the media portrays.  The portrayal of Africa has been discussed in many of my classes at SUNY Brockport, if black people feel ashamed of Africa then they will not take pride in who they are and where they came from.  The oldest women fossils were found in Africa.  Also, many of my professors who were majority white stated that man originated from Africa.  This is the kind of information that our children should know so they can motivate themselves instead of enabling themselves. 
           Then there was Major General Marcelite Harris who did not accept the fact that women were not reaching this rank in the Air Force.  Lastly, there was Iyanla Vanzant who I have seen on television so many times.  Whenever she speaks my spirit jumps and takes notice of her words.  She did an excellent job in motivating the crowd by reminding young women that they come from greatness.  The show was a way to raise the esteem of so many black girls.  They did this by celebrating young women who were doing extraordinary things in their communities.  I love that I watched history being made.  So many girls need programs that stress to them that they are special in every way. 
        This show made me reminisce to when I was a freshman in college and we had a sister to sister event that was sponsored by one of the sororities on campus.  It was a great opportunity for people who had problems with someone to clear the air and work through those problems.  I do remember that a lot of the issues that was said I didn't have a clue because I was new to the school.  However,  I did appreciate the hosts of the event saying to look at the person next to you and say you are my sister and to promise them that you had their back.  After that event I still considered the girl next to me my sister. My sophomore year she was one of my suit mates, it's crazy how things work out.  Even though I did not say to everyone personally that they were my sister, I realized that they were my sisters.  Oftentimes, we get caught up in our own lives that we forget about our fellow sister.  But I challenge you and myself to not forget them.  I truly believe that behind every hard shell there is a pearl that is waiting to shine.  So remember black girls rock and Beverly Bond wanted to note that she isn't saying others don't rock she is saying we rock too.  Unfortunately, the media forgets about all the different types, sizes, and shades of black women.  That is why it is important to have events and programs like Black Girls Rock.  I know after watching this show it solidified my pride in my people.  Also, I hoped it showed America that black women are more than sexual objects, more than attitude and more than entertainment.  Lastly, I hoped it encouraged and reminded black people to not give up on our community.  I know I needed that reminder. So I included the performance of "Four Women", I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.  And if any men read this don't forget about your fellow brother either.

Forever - The Floacist (featuring Musiq Soulchild)

  I saw this video on Centric which is a sister channel of BET a few weeks ago, I was so intrigued by the lyrics.  I love the way she uses spoken word in such a sensual way over Musiq's voice which reiterates her words. As a result, I have been listening to this song everyday at least three times a day.  There is something in these lyrics that are so honest.  My favorite line in the song is, "They don't believe in love, so why would they believe in us".  I love this line due to the fact so many people gave up on the idea of love.  Unfortunately, I was that person but now my faith in love has been restored.  So in the mean time I will follow my heart and let love take it's course.  I hope you enjoy this song and the video as much as I do.  Lastly, Natalie Stewart from the group Floetry inspires me to truly embrace all of me.  She cut her dreads and now is bald. Also, she could have fixed the gap in her teeth but she didn't.  I love it!