It's crazy that my first childhood memory is my mom throwing my father's clothes out in a garbage bag in the snow. I don't remember if I was crying but I know I was confused. So I began getting use to spending probably every other weekend with my father. He was so handsome, strong and charming to me. I know this might seem weird but I was in awe of his looks and wanted to be a "daddy's girl". Well let me back up, my father was a man that was a hustler, he made money by any means necessary even if those means were illegal. So of course by the age of 7 he was incarcerated two times. As a result, I had a fear that my father would abandon me again so I remember this conversation that he and I had when I was seven years old. I asked him to never leave me and he replied, "Baby girl I will never leave you and I am not going back to jail." So I believed him, why not I was young and naive and I didn't know that adults lied. Unfortunately, he was the first person to do so and because of this it started a whole chapter of distrusting men especially those that look like my father. As a result, of this portrayal I subconsciously became attracted to lighter skinned men, men that didn't resemble the man that first hurt me. Even though my first love was a dark skin, tall and lean boy I tried to stay away from those feelings of wanting that type in my life. However, after my senior year in high school I didn't care I love that kind of man, tall, dark and handsome. It's crazy because I didn't want to be the girl that wanted validation from a man because of "daddy issues" so thank God for my Grandad.
My Grandad is the best man in the world he is loving, kind, strong, handsome, a hard worker, I could go on for days. He is my mother's father he was born in Columbia, North Carolina with 7 brothers and 1 sister. So he had to be strong growing up with all those siblings. Anyway, my grandad is an entrepreneur I heard he owned a nice club back in the day before I was born. But I remember him owning a corner store where my experienced started my fetish of sunflower seeds, Now and Laters, Mike and Ikes, Snickers, just to name a few. I started working at my Grandad's store maybe about the age of 8 or 9. I loved it he taught me how to count money back so quickly that people were amazed at my math skills. Also, I loved cleaning his shelves because they would be so dusty and I knew presentation was everything. But my pride was lifting boxes of Huggies, soda, and beer to the coolers so I could stock them. I love lifting so that I could be strong and show off my strength. Even though I was a girly girl I loved playing rough and getting down and dirty to prove to people that I could do it better. Side note: I use to arm wrestle and I beat everyone except one boy in my grade. My summers I would spend with Grandad, he would pick me up in the morning or I would get dropped off. I would eat all day and work too. We would go to the public market together so we could get merchandise for the store, I loved this, spending quality time with my Grandad. He would tell me stories of back home, I think this is why I love North Carolina and I will move there one day. Anyway, my Grandad showed me unconditional love even when I messed up he would get a little upset but would act like nothing happened after. I was use to being reminded of my mistakes all day everyday at home by my stepdad(that's a whole different blog). So I write all of this to say I am desiring someone like my Grandad to be in my life, a man of integrity, unconditional love, funny, sweet, strong and a business minded man. I don't care about skin complexion anymore, my horizons are broadening daily.
So I apologize to all the men I dated that had to put up with my "daddy complex". When I first started dating I would be so tough and hard that no one could get past my wall of protection that I built. Then I realized that method didn't work so I would go over and above the call of duty because I didn't want my man to abandon me. As a result, I lost myself, forgot about myself and at the end of it all I was more broken then before. I would blame my father for many years for my "daddy complex" . My father was incarcerated until I was 24 years old and I am now 26. It was a long and hard journey for me, I realized that I if I wanted something different that I had to do something different. Also, I realized if I think a man will abandon me then he will. Therefore, on a daily basis I am striving to change my mentality and realizing everyone is not out to get me. So I am single on purpose so God can finish the healing process in me.
After many years I realized that I had a great example of a good father. I don't want a man to complete me, I want a man to compliment me. For example, if a chicken is not cooked it is raw, so it is not completed. But if a chicken is cooked then it can be added to someones toss salad and it will be a great meal. By ourselves we are good but together we are better. Don't steal my analogy, haha. I have this beautiful man in my life and we are friends. So please have patience with me and I will have patience with you. We are all works in progress and I realized that I have to conquer my demons from the past to move on in my present and future. I want to thank my heavenly father for who at a young age showed me that love is kind, patient and true.
Johnnie Lee's grandaughter is signing off! He is responsible for giving me the name Brighteyes.
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