I have learned over the years that I have to be my biggest fan and cheerleader because life is tough at times. Therefore, it is a constant mental battle between positive and negative thoughts. But I refused to give in to those negative thoughts anymore. I was depressed for about two years, after a tragic event I went into a deeper depression that occurred to me in 2006 (will share in another blog). This depression was deep it got to the point where all I did was eat, work and sleep. If I did talk to people I was very rude and harsh. Oftentimes I could muscle up some kind of laughter or I was just was a damn good actress to my friends and family. Anyway, I made irrational decisions in 2005 to 2007. My relationship with men was cold and heartless because I was dead on the inside. I lost all sense of spirituality, I tried sometimes but most of the time I didn't care. As a result, I was thinking of converting to a different religion but the religion I was thinking of didn't sit well with my feminist views.
My breaking point was when I was in the car with my mentor Ms. Karen coming back from my college friend's wedding. Ms. Karen was playing, Reposition Yourself by Bishop T.D. Jakes it was a book on tape and the words that he was speaking spoke to my broken spirit. He spoke about having an intervention with yourself, speaking to those things that are inside of you that are laying dormant. My negativity led to me give up on dreaming and planning for my future. This was so out of my character that I was almost unrecognizable. Therefore, I needed this intervention with myself so I could wake the hell up and realize that life is passing me by. After hearing just the first chapter of the book I knew I had to purchase this book as soon as I got home from New York City. Jakes wrote, "We want to live to the fullest, spiritually, financially, and even relationally. Yet we often settle for less than the best life we could live. Lulled into sleep by a sense of apathetic compliance, we accept as limitations situations that could be transcended". I know if I could get out of the darkest moment in my life then there is hope for people with depression. Even though this book spoke volumes into my life it was just a seed.
God was not finished with my broken spirit because for years I just wanted to escape life. I did not want to be here. Oftentimes, people have zero tolerance or no sympathy for people with suicidal thoughts but my heart goes out to them because I have walked and lived that battle. In November 2007 I made a unwise decision which resulted in me being hospitalized for about three days. After this final attempt on my life I woke the hell up. I realized that obviously God has me on this earth for a reason because I was still here. After that, prayer became something so different for me, it became my lifeline to God. I became so dependent on God through prayer and the Bible it became so real to me. Even though it took all this drama to get to this point I wouldn't trade it for the world. I began to read The Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyers which helped me realized that I needed to start thinking in a positive manner. She made me realize if a negative thought enters my mind that I should combat it with a positive thought. It might sound simple but for years I would just let those negative thoughts consume my mind and my actions.
Lastly, I had to realize that encouraging yourself works. When things seem to get out of control and rough, speak life into your situation. Know that it will work out and the craziness is just distractions from your goal and destiny. I am blessed to say that I know who I am and who I belong to. Therefore, I know I am more than a conquer through Christ Jesus and I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me. I love that people notice that I am full of life and happy now. It took some time but I strive to have true joy, peace and love in any situation. I also challenge you to find joy in the little things in life. If it is just eating your favorite popcorn or taking a walk in the park. Trust me it adds up! Also, take time out to figure out those things that can be improved or worked on in your life. Spending quality time with my thoughts, my emotions and my spirit is oftentimes the highlight of my day. Now I know if there is a lot of craziness going on in my life that I am on the right track. I refuse to give up on my destiny in life. This was very hard for me to share but I hope that I can reach someone with my story. I included a video of Donald Lawrence and Tri City Singers singing "Encourage Yourself", it is a gospel song.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
My Beautiful Flower
Today I feel inspired to write a symbolic piece about love, dreams, goals and my aspirations of keeping things in my life private. Yesterday on Facebook I was inspired to write about killing my beautiful flower that has grown from an encounter with this beautiful person in my life. I wrote on my status: My soil was fertile then you came and planted a seed. Out of that seed came a beautiful flower, now you want to go back to the beginning to lay a foundation because you weren't ready for a harvest. But it is too late something has grown. How can I kill this beautiful flower of mine? I wanted to write a piece that explained my intentions on writing that kind of status.
I have a beautiful garden that holds my dreams, goals, thoughts and hopes of love. This garden was closed for many years because I lost hope of anything growing there. Now it is has many beautiful flowers that have grown from many hours of labor. I have taken the time out to build a fence around this garden and I even have a guard dog that lays at the door because I don't want all that is sacred and lovely to be harmed. Some of these flowers I only give to certain people, I make sure these people are appreciative that I gave them something so precious to have. I also work with a master gardener who has been doing this for years that guides me and has executive control over anything that he sees fit to be removed or planted in this garden. Unfortunately, he was given limited access years ago. But I realized a few years ago that he is vital to the growth of my garden. Therefore, I will never do that to him again, he is all knowing and he has the final word.
Now I have came to the point where I have to uproot one of my finest flowers because I let someone plant a seed in the love section of my garden. This person I have known for a very long time but I didn't really know him. We had conversations years ago that were great but I didn't know him as well as I should. He was one of those men that I just had a "thing" for I was just taken by his looks. Then as I talked to him before letting him into my garden I became smitten with his conversations. I never thought that I would find such an intellectual and spiritual person like him. So I told my guard dog to move and I opened the door to my garden. I didn't think he realized nor did I what would become of this interaction. My fertile soil was ready for his seed to be planted. I worked long hours uprooting those weeds of doubt, rocks of distractions and flower roots of old. Therefore, I thought I was ready for such a worthy candidate to plant his seed in my fertile soil. I didn't consult the master gardener about this planter but I will next time. Anyway I learned that this planter didn't want to plant a seed he just wanted to make sure the area was clear for him to one day plant something. But he didn't realize that his actions and conversations were planting a seed. Now I didn't know within a months time that this beautiful, strong flower would grow. I told the planter about this and that's when I got the news that this wasn't his intentions he just wanted to make sure he laid a good foundation for future planting. So my question is how do I kill this beautiful flower of mine? This person has stopped coming by my garden so conversations are few and far between. So I scared off another planter because my soil was so fertile. I have learned from this to ask someone their intentions and if they don't know then I will tell them to leave my garden area. It is important to have a planter that has a plan of action and that can voice that plan before entrance is allowed. Even then I still have to have faith and trust in that person that they are being honest and true to me and themselves. I have not given up on this section of my garden called love. However, I will admit I was sadden by the outcome but my master gardener has been working on my joy flower and it is strong as an oak tree. So I thank the planter for his time and will be officially killing this beautiful flower of mine.
I hope that this blog was understandable in it's delivery and approach. Life is full of lessons and I am just grateful that out of this situation I did not become bitter. God has brought me a long way and I still have room to grow.
I have a beautiful garden that holds my dreams, goals, thoughts and hopes of love. This garden was closed for many years because I lost hope of anything growing there. Now it is has many beautiful flowers that have grown from many hours of labor. I have taken the time out to build a fence around this garden and I even have a guard dog that lays at the door because I don't want all that is sacred and lovely to be harmed. Some of these flowers I only give to certain people, I make sure these people are appreciative that I gave them something so precious to have. I also work with a master gardener who has been doing this for years that guides me and has executive control over anything that he sees fit to be removed or planted in this garden. Unfortunately, he was given limited access years ago. But I realized a few years ago that he is vital to the growth of my garden. Therefore, I will never do that to him again, he is all knowing and he has the final word.
Now I have came to the point where I have to uproot one of my finest flowers because I let someone plant a seed in the love section of my garden. This person I have known for a very long time but I didn't really know him. We had conversations years ago that were great but I didn't know him as well as I should. He was one of those men that I just had a "thing" for I was just taken by his looks. Then as I talked to him before letting him into my garden I became smitten with his conversations. I never thought that I would find such an intellectual and spiritual person like him. So I told my guard dog to move and I opened the door to my garden. I didn't think he realized nor did I what would become of this interaction. My fertile soil was ready for his seed to be planted. I worked long hours uprooting those weeds of doubt, rocks of distractions and flower roots of old. Therefore, I thought I was ready for such a worthy candidate to plant his seed in my fertile soil. I didn't consult the master gardener about this planter but I will next time. Anyway I learned that this planter didn't want to plant a seed he just wanted to make sure the area was clear for him to one day plant something. But he didn't realize that his actions and conversations were planting a seed. Now I didn't know within a months time that this beautiful, strong flower would grow. I told the planter about this and that's when I got the news that this wasn't his intentions he just wanted to make sure he laid a good foundation for future planting. So my question is how do I kill this beautiful flower of mine? This person has stopped coming by my garden so conversations are few and far between. So I scared off another planter because my soil was so fertile. I have learned from this to ask someone their intentions and if they don't know then I will tell them to leave my garden area. It is important to have a planter that has a plan of action and that can voice that plan before entrance is allowed. Even then I still have to have faith and trust in that person that they are being honest and true to me and themselves. I have not given up on this section of my garden called love. However, I will admit I was sadden by the outcome but my master gardener has been working on my joy flower and it is strong as an oak tree. So I thank the planter for his time and will be officially killing this beautiful flower of mine.
I hope that this blog was understandable in it's delivery and approach. Life is full of lessons and I am just grateful that out of this situation I did not become bitter. God has brought me a long way and I still have room to grow.
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