Paying Homage to Love

     I am blessed to have experienced love from the opposite sex.  It has been interesting that I have experienced different types and levels of love.  I have experienced a first love, futuristic love, true love, crazy love and waiting to experience unconditional love.  So I want to share some of my stories of these different ways that people have loved me and the one way that I am patiently waiting for. Lastly, I want to give you my definition and some of my understanding of being in love with someone.
     My first love was a beautiful person he had a dark chocolate skin complexion, full lips,and a beautiful smile that lit up my world.  I am speaking in past tense because he was killed in 2005 so now all I have are the memories that he and I shared.  Anyway,  I met this young man in the 5th grade I was new to the school and I didn't really notice him at first.  I was interested in this other kid but when 6th grade hit it was chocolate time, haha.  He and I were in band together he played the trumpet and I played the trombone.  I just loved that he would try to impress me so much.  One day we had to take the late bus home because we had band practice and it was just him and I on the bus.  I laugh at this now but I was a bold little girl, if I wanted something I went for it.  So I decided let's play truth or dare.  We were both acting shy and doing just truth questions then I kicked it up a notch and starting saying dare. So I dared him to kiss me, the look on his face was priceless. He climbed in my seat and we kissed and it seemed like an eternity.  It was perfect and this was my first real kiss.  I felt dizzy after because there was so much passion there, I couldn't believe it my crush actually had feelings for me too. So the next day on the playground my two friends decided to "hook" us up.  But I was so nervous and he was too, so he was taking too long to ask me out so I just took the opportunity and asked him to be my boyfriend, of course he said yes.  Then we kissed and every day after that we kissed.  I knew I loved him because he was he was so beautiful to me in every way.  I know people might be skeptical on loving someone so young but it was real.  Even up until the time he died he would always tell me that I was his first love and that I needed to stop talking to these other guys.  I knew he was joking about the latter part but he was so right about our love.
     My futuristic love was a guy that I met at my best friend's house the summer before my sophomore year in high school.  I thought he was so fly, charming and funny.   He resembled Allen Iverson to me, Iverson to me was the best looking man in the NBA so I felt like I hit the jackpot.  My best friend did the match making for us.  He went to East High School and so did my best friend.  He was my futuristic love because we talked about our future together which was a first for me.  We talked about our children's names, our wedding, and our house.  I never had this before, he was interested in marrying me one day.  However, he was a senior when I was a sophomore so these weddings plans would have to wait awhile.  Also, I was not allowed to date at all and our relationship was a secret from my parents.  So I knew this whole thing would be hard to pull off especially  since we went to two different high schools and he had different options of women at his school.  I went to Wheatland-Chili and trust me I was not distracted by boys.  My one distraction who was my first love who left me and went to Edison Tech.  Unfortunately, he grew tired of  our random phone conversations.  I could only call him at my grandmother's house, at home I was not allowed to talk to boys.  We stopped talking for months and I basically emancipated myself from the relationship.  I did randomly call him one time in May and he was getting ready to go to this girl's prom.  That phone conversation crushed my spirit, that was confirmation that we were over.  This was my first heartbreak, I was devastated that my dreams would not be fulfilled with this man.  Unfortunately, I disliked him for years after that so it took me awhile to get over him.  The crazy thing is he did get married right out of high school, it didn't last but he wanted a future with someone so badly that he settled.
      My true love was a man that I knew most of my life. We grew up together his mother and my mother were good friends we would have sleepovers and we would get together all the time.  He also had a sister who was my number one buddy.  I always thought he was the cutest boy in the world, he had these deep dimples that made me melt. Our parents would joke that one day we would get married.  It's crazy I never thought he and I would ever date but we did.  It was my freshman year in college I would call to talk to his sister but he would pick up the phone and we would talk for hours. We had such a good vibe, it was natural and I was not afraid to be myself around him.  He loved that I liked to eat and  that I was not ashamed of that.  A few months before this he was shot and people attempted to rob him.  He was a walking and talking miracle, even after this he was so full of life and would even joke about his wounds.  I couldn't help but be intrigued by him, here is someone that met death in the face and still is positive so I was inspired by him. Anyway, our romance began and he came to visit me at college. That night he sang to me Floetry's song "Say Yes" and I never heard the song before so I asked,  "Say yes to what?"  He replied, "Say yes to me".  I can't describe the feelings that I felt, I never had a man sing to me and his voice is beautiful.   I wanted him to be my last boyfriend ever.  He was my true love because he knew all of me and accepted me.  Also, I accepted all of him, flaws and all.  Unfortunately, we did come to end without closure either, but I still appreciate what he and I had.
     I experienced different types of crazy love, this is the kind of love that I don't ever want again.  However, I will only write about one example of crazy love. My ex boyfriend and I met at a previous place of employment.  I thought he was handsome but I could tell by his lips that he smoked a lot of marijuana.  He approached me and I was surprised I didn't think I would be his type.  We had a good vibe, very strong connection.    He was the first man to ever cook for me and bring it to bed so that I could enjoy it. The reason I call this crazy love is because he would verbally abuse me everyday.  He would call me a dumbass over the craziest thing.  For instance, I approached a light and it was turning red so I stopped he was so upset that he went off.  He said, "You are such a dumbass why didn't you go through the light. Come on you are such an idiot".   I am a person that doesn't take verbal attacks well, especially not from a man.  As you know he was  expeditiously dropped off at home.  As a result, I knew that changes had to be made, he would apologize but do it again. I realized if you really are apologetic then don't use such abusive language towards me. I knew I was settling when I met him but I wanted to give him a chance so I could prove myself wrong. He smoked everyday and I hated smokers. Also, he was drinking forty ounces everyday like it was still the early 90's, he didn't have a car, he wouldn't pay for our meals, movie tickets, or gas. I could go on and on about what he didn't do but I thought I could change him. Again I was naive and new at this dating thing. Unfortunately, this was all a learning experience due to dating being forbidden when I was younger.  He wasn't in love with me he was in love with controlling me and in love with what I could do for him. The break up with him wasn't easy because I was called a bitch and a whore for breaking up with him.  After this I definitely needed a break and time to heal from all that constant abuse.  So if you ever encounter crazy love, run as fast as you can.  It is not worth any of your time. 
       I feel that love is a mystery to the human mind, it takes over sometimes without warning especially when it is someone that is undeserving of that love. Personally I feel love is an action word. A man can tell me all day that they love me but if his actions are speaking otherwise then he is a liar in my eyes.  The definition of unconditional love is to love someone regardless of their actions or qualities.  Wow that is profound!  I truly think most people will only experience unconditional love with their parents.  I know my mother has loved me regardless of my actions and qualities because most of the time I don't bring anything to the table. It is unfortunate to know that most relationships are conditional.  For instance, if you do this for me then I will do that for you, some people always want something in return.  If it is not in your heart to do it then don't do it. When you give you shouldn't expect anything in return.  Side note:  unless a contract was signed.   However, I have been blessed to experience this love with my friends.  They were there for me at my lowest of lows, instead of ignoring my calls when I had by sad stories they listened and encouraged me.  I know it's hard being a friend to a negative person but if they want to change then keep encouraging them.  Also, I do believe some couples have experienced this kind of love.  I know this is the kind of love that I want to experience, unconditional, loving me regardless of my actions or qualities.  So I will conclude, what kind of love do you desire?

My People

     It was so refreshing seeing "Black Girls Rock" on BET, finally an award show where I can be proud of the artists performing and the honorees who are receiving the awards.  Jill Scott started the show off with singing "Golden", this is my theme song.  It was a great celebration of black women's beauty, intelligence, strength, courage and achievements.  The best performance of the night was by Ledisi, Jill Scott. Marsha Ambrosius, and Kelly Price who performed "Four Women" by Nina Simone.  It was such a powerful rendition of the song.  I loved that these women are true artists and have real talent who were showcased in this once in a lifetime collaboration. 
      Watching the award show I felt like I was a student of history because there were women who received awards that I did not know.  Teresa Clarke is the CEO of Africa.com, she has her J.D., M.B.A, and B.A. all from Harvard.  I loved that she is trying to change the way that Africa is viewed. Unfortunately, people think Africa is a place where all the kids are walking around starving with flies in their faces.  I have heard many stories of the beauties of Africa and by educating myself I know that there is more to Africa then what the media portrays.  The portrayal of Africa has been discussed in many of my classes at SUNY Brockport, if black people feel ashamed of Africa then they will not take pride in who they are and where they came from.  The oldest women fossils were found in Africa.  Also, many of my professors who were majority white stated that man originated from Africa.  This is the kind of information that our children should know so they can motivate themselves instead of enabling themselves. 
           Then there was Major General Marcelite Harris who did not accept the fact that women were not reaching this rank in the Air Force.  Lastly, there was Iyanla Vanzant who I have seen on television so many times.  Whenever she speaks my spirit jumps and takes notice of her words.  She did an excellent job in motivating the crowd by reminding young women that they come from greatness.  The show was a way to raise the esteem of so many black girls.  They did this by celebrating young women who were doing extraordinary things in their communities.  I love that I watched history being made.  So many girls need programs that stress to them that they are special in every way. 
        This show made me reminisce to when I was a freshman in college and we had a sister to sister event that was sponsored by one of the sororities on campus.  It was a great opportunity for people who had problems with someone to clear the air and work through those problems.  I do remember that a lot of the issues that was said I didn't have a clue because I was new to the school.  However,  I did appreciate the hosts of the event saying to look at the person next to you and say you are my sister and to promise them that you had their back.  After that event I still considered the girl next to me my sister. My sophomore year she was one of my suit mates, it's crazy how things work out.  Even though I did not say to everyone personally that they were my sister, I realized that they were my sisters.  Oftentimes, we get caught up in our own lives that we forget about our fellow sister.  But I challenge you and myself to not forget them.  I truly believe that behind every hard shell there is a pearl that is waiting to shine.  So remember black girls rock and Beverly Bond wanted to note that she isn't saying others don't rock she is saying we rock too.  Unfortunately, the media forgets about all the different types, sizes, and shades of black women.  That is why it is important to have events and programs like Black Girls Rock.  I know after watching this show it solidified my pride in my people.  Also, I hoped it showed America that black women are more than sexual objects, more than attitude and more than entertainment.  Lastly, I hoped it encouraged and reminded black people to not give up on our community.  I know I needed that reminder. So I included the performance of "Four Women", I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.  And if any men read this don't forget about your fellow brother either.

Forever - The Floacist (featuring Musiq Soulchild)

  I saw this video on Centric which is a sister channel of BET a few weeks ago, I was so intrigued by the lyrics.  I love the way she uses spoken word in such a sensual way over Musiq's voice which reiterates her words. As a result, I have been listening to this song everyday at least three times a day.  There is something in these lyrics that are so honest.  My favorite line in the song is, "They don't believe in love, so why would they believe in us".  I love this line due to the fact so many people gave up on the idea of love.  Unfortunately, I was that person but now my faith in love has been restored.  So in the mean time I will follow my heart and let love take it's course.  I hope you enjoy this song and the video as much as I do.  Lastly, Natalie Stewart from the group Floetry inspires me to truly embrace all of me.  She cut her dreads and now is bald. Also, she could have fixed the gap in her teeth but she didn't.  I love it!

Grandad's Girl

       It's crazy that my first childhood memory is my mom throwing my father's clothes out in a garbage bag in the snow.  I don't remember if I was crying but I know I was confused.  So I began getting use to spending probably every other weekend with my father.  He was so handsome, strong and charming to me.  I know this might seem weird but I was in awe of his looks and wanted to be a "daddy's girl".  Well let me back up, my father was a man that was a hustler, he made money by any means necessary even if those means were illegal.  So of course by the age of 7 he was incarcerated two times. As a result, I had a fear that my father would abandon me again so I remember this conversation that he and I had when I was seven years old.  I asked him to never leave me and he  replied, "Baby girl I will never leave you and I am not going back to jail."  So I believed him, why not I was young and naive and I didn't know that adults lied.  Unfortunately,  he was the first person to do so and because of this it started a whole chapter of distrusting men especially those that look like my father.  As a result, of this portrayal I subconsciously became attracted to lighter skinned men, men that didn't resemble the man that first hurt me.  Even though my first love was a dark skin, tall and lean boy I tried to stay away from those feelings of wanting that type in my life. However, after my senior year in high school I didn't care I love that kind of man, tall, dark and handsome.  It's crazy because I didn't want to be the girl that  wanted validation from a man because of "daddy issues" so thank God for my Grandad.
       My Grandad is the best man in the world he is loving, kind, strong, handsome, a hard worker, I could go on for days.  He is my mother's father he was born in Columbia, North Carolina with 7 brothers and 1 sister.  So he had to be strong growing up with all those siblings.  Anyway,  my grandad is an entrepreneur I heard he owned a nice club back in the day before I was born.  But I remember him owning a corner store where my experienced started my fetish of sunflower seeds, Now and Laters, Mike and Ikes, Snickers, just to name a few.  I started working at my Grandad's store maybe about the age of 8 or 9.  I loved it he taught me how to count money back so quickly that people were amazed at my math skills.  Also, I loved cleaning his shelves because they would be so dusty and I knew presentation was everything.  But my pride was lifting boxes of Huggies, soda, and beer to the coolers so I could stock them.  I love lifting so that I could be strong and show off my strength.  Even though I was a girly girl I loved playing rough and getting down and dirty to prove to people that I could do it better.  Side note: I use to arm wrestle and I beat everyone except one boy in my grade.  My summers I would spend with Grandad, he would pick me up in the morning or I would get dropped off.  I would eat all day and work too.  We would go to the public market together so we could get merchandise for the store, I loved this, spending quality time with my Grandad.  He would tell me stories of back home, I think this is why I love North Carolina and  I will move there one day.  Anyway, my Grandad showed me unconditional love even when I messed up he would get a little upset but would act like nothing happened after.  I was use to being reminded of my mistakes all day everyday at home by my stepdad(that's a whole different blog).  So I write all of this to say I am desiring someone like my Grandad to be in my life, a man of integrity, unconditional love, funny, sweet, strong and a business minded man.  I don't care about skin complexion anymore, my horizons are broadening daily.
         So I apologize to all the men I dated that had to put up with my "daddy complex". When I first started dating I would be so tough and hard that no one could get past my wall of protection that I built. Then I realized that method didn't work so I would go over and above the call of duty because I didn't want my man to abandon me.  As a result, I lost myself, forgot about myself and at the end of it all I was more broken then before.  I would blame my father for many years for my "daddy complex" . My father was incarcerated until I was 24 years old and I am now 26. It was a long and hard journey for me, I realized that I if I wanted something different that I had to do something different. Also, I realized if I think a man will abandon me then he will.  Therefore, on a daily basis I am striving to change my mentality and realizing everyone is not out to get me.  So I am single on purpose so God can finish the healing process in me.
       After many years I realized that I had a great example of a good father.  I don't want a man to complete me, I want a man to compliment me.  For example, if a chicken is not cooked it is raw, so it is not completed.  But if a chicken is cooked then it can be added to someones toss salad and it will be a great meal. By ourselves we are good but together we are better.  Don't steal my analogy, haha. I have this beautiful man in my life and we are friends. So please have patience with me and I will have patience with you. We are all works in progress and I realized that I have to conquer my demons from the past to move on in my present and future. I want to thank my heavenly father for who at a young age showed me that love is kind, patient and true.
    Johnnie Lee's grandaughter is signing off!  He is responsible for giving me the name Brighteyes.

My City

      Wow, where do I start?  My city is my home but I feel trapped here but at the same time it is familiar to me.  Most of my life I wanted to live in North Carolina.  I love it there the beaches have white sand and the water is so pure and clear.  Nature is my heart because I am in awe of  how God made such beautiful things.  Anyway, in 2006 I visited the city of Charlotte in North Carolina.  I swear as soon as I hit downtown Charlotte the city spoke to me, I never had this happen to me I have traveled to many cities and loved them all.  It seems as anything is better than Rochester.  I did my research because that's what I love to do and I found that Charlotte is on the top ten list for black professionals.  So this was like a conformation to me to move there.  Also, to top it off one of my best friends lived there and she knows the city very well so I would have her to guide me through this city.  The problem is that I love my family especially my mom because she is my rock and I don't want to leave her.   Also, now I have a niece and a God-child, I want to watch them grow up.  However, this city frustrates me I love the city but we don't have a vibrant downtown. For instance, to go shopping, to go to some of my favorite restaurants, movies, bowling except for theatre I have to travel to the suburbs.  I feel that a lot of people my age don't share the same interests as me and are concentrating on insignificant, frivolous things.  But if I travel to Baltimore, NYC, Washington DC, and Charlotte I see people my age thirsting for knowledge, new ideas, and culture.   I wish my city had this, I do say that Rochester tries but the turn out and and response is disappointing.  So I want to be living in a city that has book clubs, Broadway shows, concerts that showcase real artists, history museums, and real poetry nights.  A city where my people are sharpening each other to be better not trying to destroy each other due to jealousy.  I know every city has violence, hatred and jealous but most cities have this pocket of hope who are young artists, intellectuals, entrepreneurs, activists, etc.
     So the question that I ask myself on a daily basis is should I stay or should I go?  Should I be the catalyst to start change?  Then I think if I start it would the young adults be interested in something like this?  So I have decided to take a hiatus to Virginia for a couple of weeks in the new year to gather my thoughts and decide what I want to do. To be honest I am scared of change and failure because if I wasn't I would pack and move today.  That is why Virginia is happening once I do that I might go down to North Carolina and stay. But I am going to take that first step and God will do the rest.  I could go on forever about my city about how the dating scene is horrible, the culture sometimes is not rich, the winters are too much and the taxes are ridiculous.   Unfortunately, doors having been closing so I think it is my time to leave.  I love my friends and family but technology is great we can Skype, email, facebook and talk on the phone until I figure this out.  Sorry I know that was harsh but I have been living my life for others and now it is time for Brighteyes to shine.