Encourage Yourself

         I have learned over the years that I have to be my biggest fan and cheerleader because life is tough at times. Therefore, it is a constant mental battle between positive and negative thoughts. But I refused to give in to those negative thoughts anymore. I was depressed for about two years, after a tragic event I went into a deeper depression that occurred to me in 2006 (will share in another blog). This depression was deep it got to the point where all I did was eat, work and sleep. If I did talk to people I was very rude and harsh. Oftentimes I could muscle up some kind of laughter or I was just was a damn good actress to my friends and family. Anyway, I made irrational decisions in 2005 to 2007. My relationship with men was cold and heartless because I was dead on the inside. I lost all sense of spirituality, I tried sometimes but most of the time I didn't care. As a result, I was thinking of converting to a different religion but the religion I was thinking of didn't sit well with my feminist views.
      My breaking point was when I was in the car with my mentor Ms. Karen coming back from my college friend's wedding. Ms. Karen was playing, Reposition Yourself  by Bishop T.D. Jakes it was a book on tape and the words that he was speaking spoke to my broken spirit. He spoke about having an intervention with yourself, speaking to those things that are inside of you that are laying dormant. My negativity led to me give up on dreaming and planning for my future. This was so out of my character that I was almost unrecognizable. Therefore, I needed this intervention with myself so I could wake the hell up and realize that life is passing me by. After hearing just the first chapter of the book I knew I had to purchase this book as soon as I got home from New York City. Jakes wrote, "We want to live to the fullest, spiritually, financially, and even relationally. Yet we often settle for less than the best life we could live. Lulled into sleep by a sense of apathetic compliance, we accept as limitations situations that could be transcended". I know if I could get out of the darkest moment in my life then there is hope for people with depression. Even though this book spoke volumes into my life it was just a seed.
       God was not finished with my broken spirit because for years I just wanted to escape life. I did not want to be here. Oftentimes, people have zero tolerance or no sympathy for people with suicidal thoughts but my heart goes out to them because I have walked and lived that battle. In November 2007 I made a unwise decision which resulted in me being hospitalized for about three days. After this final attempt on my life I woke the hell up. I realized that obviously God has me on this earth for a reason because I was still here. After that, prayer became something so different for me, it became my lifeline to God. I became so dependent on God through prayer and the Bible it became so real to me. Even though it took all this drama to get to this point I wouldn't trade it for the world. I began to read The Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyers which helped me realized that I needed to start thinking in a positive manner. She made me realize if a negative thought enters my mind that I should combat it with a positive thought. It might sound simple but for years I would just let those negative thoughts consume my mind and my actions.
      Lastly, I had to realize that encouraging yourself works. When things seem to get out of control and rough, speak life into your situation. Know that it will work out and the craziness is just distractions from your goal and destiny. I am blessed to say that I know who I am and who I belong to. Therefore, I know I am more than a conquer through Christ Jesus and I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me. I love that people notice that I am full of life and happy now. It took some time but I strive to have true joy, peace and love in any situation. I also challenge you to find joy in the little things in life. If it is just eating your favorite popcorn or taking a walk in the park. Trust me it adds up! Also, take time out to figure out those things that can be improved or worked on in your life. Spending quality time with my thoughts, my emotions and my spirit is oftentimes the highlight of my day. Now I know if there is a lot of craziness going on in my life that I am on the right track. I refuse to give up on my destiny in life. This was very hard for me to share but I hope that I can reach someone with my story.  I included a video of Donald Lawrence and Tri City Singers singing "Encourage Yourself", it is a gospel song.