Grandad's Girl

       It's crazy that my first childhood memory is my mom throwing my father's clothes out in a garbage bag in the snow.  I don't remember if I was crying but I know I was confused.  So I began getting use to spending probably every other weekend with my father.  He was so handsome, strong and charming to me.  I know this might seem weird but I was in awe of his looks and wanted to be a "daddy's girl".  Well let me back up, my father was a man that was a hustler, he made money by any means necessary even if those means were illegal.  So of course by the age of 7 he was incarcerated two times. As a result, I had a fear that my father would abandon me again so I remember this conversation that he and I had when I was seven years old.  I asked him to never leave me and he  replied, "Baby girl I will never leave you and I am not going back to jail."  So I believed him, why not I was young and naive and I didn't know that adults lied.  Unfortunately,  he was the first person to do so and because of this it started a whole chapter of distrusting men especially those that look like my father.  As a result, of this portrayal I subconsciously became attracted to lighter skinned men, men that didn't resemble the man that first hurt me.  Even though my first love was a dark skin, tall and lean boy I tried to stay away from those feelings of wanting that type in my life. However, after my senior year in high school I didn't care I love that kind of man, tall, dark and handsome.  It's crazy because I didn't want to be the girl that  wanted validation from a man because of "daddy issues" so thank God for my Grandad.
       My Grandad is the best man in the world he is loving, kind, strong, handsome, a hard worker, I could go on for days.  He is my mother's father he was born in Columbia, North Carolina with 7 brothers and 1 sister.  So he had to be strong growing up with all those siblings.  Anyway,  my grandad is an entrepreneur I heard he owned a nice club back in the day before I was born.  But I remember him owning a corner store where my experienced started my fetish of sunflower seeds, Now and Laters, Mike and Ikes, Snickers, just to name a few.  I started working at my Grandad's store maybe about the age of 8 or 9.  I loved it he taught me how to count money back so quickly that people were amazed at my math skills.  Also, I loved cleaning his shelves because they would be so dusty and I knew presentation was everything.  But my pride was lifting boxes of Huggies, soda, and beer to the coolers so I could stock them.  I love lifting so that I could be strong and show off my strength.  Even though I was a girly girl I loved playing rough and getting down and dirty to prove to people that I could do it better.  Side note: I use to arm wrestle and I beat everyone except one boy in my grade.  My summers I would spend with Grandad, he would pick me up in the morning or I would get dropped off.  I would eat all day and work too.  We would go to the public market together so we could get merchandise for the store, I loved this, spending quality time with my Grandad.  He would tell me stories of back home, I think this is why I love North Carolina and  I will move there one day.  Anyway, my Grandad showed me unconditional love even when I messed up he would get a little upset but would act like nothing happened after.  I was use to being reminded of my mistakes all day everyday at home by my stepdad(that's a whole different blog).  So I write all of this to say I am desiring someone like my Grandad to be in my life, a man of integrity, unconditional love, funny, sweet, strong and a business minded man.  I don't care about skin complexion anymore, my horizons are broadening daily.
         So I apologize to all the men I dated that had to put up with my "daddy complex". When I first started dating I would be so tough and hard that no one could get past my wall of protection that I built. Then I realized that method didn't work so I would go over and above the call of duty because I didn't want my man to abandon me.  As a result, I lost myself, forgot about myself and at the end of it all I was more broken then before.  I would blame my father for many years for my "daddy complex" . My father was incarcerated until I was 24 years old and I am now 26. It was a long and hard journey for me, I realized that I if I wanted something different that I had to do something different. Also, I realized if I think a man will abandon me then he will.  Therefore, on a daily basis I am striving to change my mentality and realizing everyone is not out to get me.  So I am single on purpose so God can finish the healing process in me.
       After many years I realized that I had a great example of a good father.  I don't want a man to complete me, I want a man to compliment me.  For example, if a chicken is not cooked it is raw, so it is not completed.  But if a chicken is cooked then it can be added to someones toss salad and it will be a great meal. By ourselves we are good but together we are better.  Don't steal my analogy, haha. I have this beautiful man in my life and we are friends. So please have patience with me and I will have patience with you. We are all works in progress and I realized that I have to conquer my demons from the past to move on in my present and future. I want to thank my heavenly father for who at a young age showed me that love is kind, patient and true.
    Johnnie Lee's grandaughter is signing off!  He is responsible for giving me the name Brighteyes.

My City

      Wow, where do I start?  My city is my home but I feel trapped here but at the same time it is familiar to me.  Most of my life I wanted to live in North Carolina.  I love it there the beaches have white sand and the water is so pure and clear.  Nature is my heart because I am in awe of  how God made such beautiful things.  Anyway, in 2006 I visited the city of Charlotte in North Carolina.  I swear as soon as I hit downtown Charlotte the city spoke to me, I never had this happen to me I have traveled to many cities and loved them all.  It seems as anything is better than Rochester.  I did my research because that's what I love to do and I found that Charlotte is on the top ten list for black professionals.  So this was like a conformation to me to move there.  Also, to top it off one of my best friends lived there and she knows the city very well so I would have her to guide me through this city.  The problem is that I love my family especially my mom because she is my rock and I don't want to leave her.   Also, now I have a niece and a God-child, I want to watch them grow up.  However, this city frustrates me I love the city but we don't have a vibrant downtown. For instance, to go shopping, to go to some of my favorite restaurants, movies, bowling except for theatre I have to travel to the suburbs.  I feel that a lot of people my age don't share the same interests as me and are concentrating on insignificant, frivolous things.  But if I travel to Baltimore, NYC, Washington DC, and Charlotte I see people my age thirsting for knowledge, new ideas, and culture.   I wish my city had this, I do say that Rochester tries but the turn out and and response is disappointing.  So I want to be living in a city that has book clubs, Broadway shows, concerts that showcase real artists, history museums, and real poetry nights.  A city where my people are sharpening each other to be better not trying to destroy each other due to jealousy.  I know every city has violence, hatred and jealous but most cities have this pocket of hope who are young artists, intellectuals, entrepreneurs, activists, etc.
     So the question that I ask myself on a daily basis is should I stay or should I go?  Should I be the catalyst to start change?  Then I think if I start it would the young adults be interested in something like this?  So I have decided to take a hiatus to Virginia for a couple of weeks in the new year to gather my thoughts and decide what I want to do. To be honest I am scared of change and failure because if I wasn't I would pack and move today.  That is why Virginia is happening once I do that I might go down to North Carolina and stay. But I am going to take that first step and God will do the rest.  I could go on forever about my city about how the dating scene is horrible, the culture sometimes is not rich, the winters are too much and the taxes are ridiculous.   Unfortunately, doors having been closing so I think it is my time to leave.  I love my friends and family but technology is great we can Skype, email, facebook and talk on the phone until I figure this out.  Sorry I know that was harsh but I have been living my life for others and now it is time for Brighteyes to shine.